NSA

NSA. Know what that means? No Strings Attached. Accordingly, tonight's blog is actually based on the movie of the same name. Ironic? Eh, not really. I like to think I'm cool and witty but I'm really just plain old awesome.

This movie is an oddity to me. For those of you who haven't seen it, SPOILER ALERT. Emma is a doctor in training who says she has no time for a relationship. Adam is the beautiful Ashton Kutcher, a guy who is head over heels in love with Emma. They decide, to Adam's dismay, to have a purely physical relationship. This goes on for awhile until Adam starts to realize he can't do just physical. He tries to morph it into a relationship, but Emma blows him off. Eventually, Emma realizes that she loves Adam too and everything ends up hunky-dory. Blah, blah, frickety blah.

Basically, the entire movie is based on the theory that hook-ups don't hurt anyone, as long as both sides realize that it’s just a hook-up. Theoretically, this could work, if we didn't take human emotion into account. So why do so many people attempt this lifestyle? Particularly gay men? Do they do it because they want to avoid getting hurt? Do they do it because they want to experience life? Or do they do it just because they're horny?

I have a theory. Gay men, in general, are scared of what it means to be in a relationship. They're scared of the commitment, scared of having to worry about someone else, scared of rejection. Fear is what keeps most gay men from being in a relationship. So hook-ups abound, as they are the perfect solution to this problem. They require very little thought, everyone (hopefully) gets their rocks off, and there are no rules about who has to call whom in the morning. No commitment, no fear, no anything.

Hook-ups are not good for me. I'm not gonna go on here and brag about my sex life, but I've had my fair share of them. And I've realized that they are horrible for me. Sex requires emotion, passion, and commitment to me. I want to know that the person I'm with feels something other than the physical satisfaction of getting off. Does that make me gay? Maybe. One of my favorite lines from a Steely Dan song perfectly describes how I want to feel during sex. "Tell me I'm the only one." It's selfish, it's girly. But it’s what I want. I want to know that the guy lying next to me is focused on me and just me.

Enter Justin. See, I told you we were going to talk about him a lot. But I'm not here to bitch about him. I'm here to use him as an example. So Justin. I met Justin on a site for gay men, sort of akin to Match.com. However, the site was mostly for guys looking to hook up. I was fine with finding someone for sex, but I really just wanted to connect with someone. Ideally, I wanted a boyfriend. Justin and I met, and our relationship, as it were, went on from there.

I told him that I wanted to be with him, as his boyfriend, after the first time we hooked up. He avoided it and said he "didn't know how to be a boyfriend." He didn't know what to do and what it entailed. I accepted it. I accepted it the next 3 times as well. Then I realized that we were never going to be anything more than friends with benefits. There really were going to be no strings attached in this relationship. And I told myself I was okay with that. All of my other gay friends did it. They slept around and felt nothing. They woke up the next morning, satisfied and ready to find the next new hook-up.

Why couldn't I do it? I like to think that it's because I care about people on a more emotional level. I'm not saying that all gay men are emotionally deficient. I'm just saying that for me, its virtually impossible to have the physical without the emotional. I just can't do it. I thought with Justin that I could cut the emotional out and just live in the moment, but I can't. Does this make me straight? No. It makes me different from most gay men, but it makes me who I am. Maybe I'm going to spend half my life looking for a guy that wants both the physical and the emotional. But I'm okay with that.

No Strings Attached proves to me, personally, that a purely physical relationship is impossible. I need something more in my life, as did Emma, even though she thought she didn't. I guess I'm willing to suffer through the heartbreak and the lonely days until I find someone that wants the same things I do. But until that day comes, I'm gonna bitch and moan and complain. Those of you out there that suffer through it, thanks. I love you guys.

So yeah. It's 3 in the morning and I have to be up for class in 6 hours. Bed time, methinks.

Peace out.

Being myself in a world of hate

                Well hey there, all 6 of my loyal readers. How goes it? Sorry I haven’t posted in forever. It’s been a crazy busy few weeks and to be honest, I’ve been a little uninspired. But then I watched one of my favorite episodes of Will and Grace. It was like the heavens opened up and said, “Hank, take this gift, that you may write of your life and make merry.” Anyway, I found my inspiration.

                Today’s entry focuses on being gay. Really, it covers being open about being gay, but overall it encompasses being gay too. In this episode, Will takes Jack, his extremely flamboyant best friend, to his new gym. Jack acts his like normal, attention grabbing, man chasing self. This frustrates Will because he has clients that go to this gym, and not all of them know he is gay. At one point we see Will talking to Grace about it, and he says that sometimes, Jack is such a fag. Of course, this being a TV show, Jack over hears and confronts Will about it.

                Okay so first off, yes, I used the F word. Forgive me. I’m just repeating what someone on TV said. Don’t hurt me. But the more important part, this episode really hit home with me. Later on, Will talks to Grace about it and she confirms Jack’s observation that there are about “25 Will Truman’s”. That is, Will has many different masks that he wears when out and about. After thinking about it, I realized I’m the exact same way. No, I don’t deny my sexuality, but I don’t necessarily put it out there in certain situations.

                Why? Maybe I’m scared. I don’t like rejection, so maybe I’m protecting myself from that. I think that in reality, I don’t want to be judged on the spot. If I tell someone I’m gay, they are automatically going to assume things about me, and now my relationship with that person, even if it’s just an acquaintance, changes forever. Scary, right?

                I’m not ashamed of my sexuality. I am proud to be a gay man in this day and age. If I was given the choice to become straight, I would still choose to remain gay. That doesn’t mean that I’m not scared sometimes. I may not flaunt my sexuality, but I never hide it. I’m not that bad. I’m not like Will in the overall sense, but I can definitely see where he was coming from. And you would be surprised by the number of gay men that hate me for saying that. Call it cowardice, a defense mechanism, or just plain denial. No matter what you see it as, it’s a personal choice. I choose to live my life how I see fit. I may not wear my sexuality on my sleeve, but I will never, ever hide it or lie about it. That is not who I am. Take me or leave me. See, a Rent reference! I really am gay!

                Now that that’s over, I want to address something: the F word that I used earlier. I do not condone, like, support, or accept the use of the word Fag, in any way shape or form. I think that it is a word filled with hate and this is designed solely to undermine the strength of the gay community. Remember our friend Justin we talked about earlier? Would you believe me if I told you he called me one? Maybe he called me one indirectly, but the meaning was still there.

                We were on a walk one night. I clearly didn’t want Justin with me, but he wouldn’t take a hint so I let him follow me. My walks around campus are erratic at best. I walk where my head takes me and move where my feet direct me. I almost always wind up walking through North campus at some point. So, I decided to walk to North campus. Justin asked me where we were going. When I told him, he said, “Ew, North campus? That’s where all the fags go.” I was floored. Here he was, a bisexual man, using that hate filled word to describe me, the guy he was sleeping with? My confusion quickly turned to rage. I told him that if he ever called me that again that I would promptly punch him in the face. I continued walking towards North campus. Justin didn’t continue with me.

                When I got back to my room, I confronted Justin. I told him that until he has been called a fag for kissing his boyfriend in public, and until he has been called a fag for supporting gay rights, and until he has been beaten up and called a fag for holding hands with a guy, he cannot use that word. Only once he has felt the fear associated with that word, can he rightfully use that word. He responded that if I punched him in the face, he would call the cops on me.

                I could accept that, but what I couldn’t accept was the fact that the man I was sleeping with had just defended calling me a fag. Wait, correction. The boy I was sleeping with. Justin is not a man. He is a fucking boy. ANYway. I was pissed to say the least. He then proceeded to tell me that it was just a word and that I shouldn’t take it personally. Fuck that.

                In short, I HATE the word fag. I do not tolerate it at all. Maybe the gay community is trying to take it back. I don’t think so. I think that us saying we’re taking it back basically means that we’re so scared of it, but we’re so desperate to fit in that we’ll use a hate word for our friends and family.

                Just some thoughts. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am. It took 4 years for me to accept myself for who I am. Forgive me if I am a little quick to defend my personal choices and my views on what constitutes hate and fear.

But yeah. Have an awesome Monday and hopefully I’ll be posting again later this week.

Deuces.

An Introduction of Two

So, post numero dos. Today's installment centers around an episode of Will and Grace. You'll find that a lot of my gay moments come from this show. I guess I feel like I can be myself while I'm watching it. We'll explore that more later on, trust me. But now for the real reason we're here.

On this episode, Will's ex shows up, Will thinks he's getting some signals from him, and confronts him about it. SPOILER ALERT, it's all in Will's head. Michael is seeing someone who, by the way, is fucking gorgeous. He then goes running to Grace and tells her about it. Come to find out, she had known about it the whole time. And Michael had started seeing this guy just 2 months after he and Will broke up.

How do I find a gay moment in this? Well, that requires me to introduce the first of many major figures in my life. Alexis, while being many things, is a musician. She is hella talented, she's crazy as fuck, weird, rambling, smart, funny, clumsy, and she's my soulmate. I realized a few months ago that she probably knows more about me than a lot of people do. I don't tell my full life story to anyone, but she probably has the most pieces. And because of that,  trust her implicitly.

Now to tie this into the blog. Character number 2 in my life is someone that we will name Justin. No, his name isn't actually Justin, though a few people may get the joke of why I'm calling him that. I fell head over heels for Justin. It's as simple as that, but its also far more complicated. Justin liked me as a friend but nothing more. Shit happened and I wound up getting hurt because of it. But I won't ramble on that. You'll hear more about it later, I can guarantee.

Anyway, in this episode, I guess I really identified with Will because a couple of months ago I found out that Justin had been sort of seeing another guy, just a few weeks after we had a huge falling out. And the guy he was sort of seeing was everything that I had thought Justin didn't like. And when I told Alexis about it, she told me she had already known, but didn't know how to tell me.

At first I was hurt and pissed. But I came to realize that there really was no way for her to tell me without me getting hurt and even more pissed off. How do you tell one of your best friends that the man he loves is becoming involved with someone else that personifies everything you're not? The ironic part? This other man is one of Alexis' really good friends. This is my life. Didn't you know?

So is this a gay moment in my life? After writing this, I'm torn on whether it is or not. I dare you to find someone that wouldn't be hurt with this situation. But in that same vein, I do believe that my emotions got the best of me in my outward reaction to the situation. Does portraying emotion make me gay? No it doesn't, but I don't know many straight guys that are as emotional as I am. Hence my hesitance to call this a gay or not-gay moment.

Well that was a trip, wasn't it? Yeah. It's only my second post, so forgive me if I'm rambling. But I needed to get that out there. I was just so surprised by how similar my life is to this show. You'll hear more about it later, trust me. This show is like Alexis and I wrapped into a neat, re-watchable, plastic package. Ugh.

And Justin, if you're reading this? I'm sorry that I've been a dick lately. I won't lie to you and say I'm over you. I would like nothing more at this moment than to drive to your house and light your car on fire while belting "Bust Your Windows" (the Glee version of course, duh). But I can't and will not do that. I may hate you right now, but you're living your life and that's all that matters. Just know that I miss you and I want to look back on this someday with you and laugh at how stupid we were. For now though, I'll fall asleep dreaming of me singing that to you with Alexis, Katie M and J-Hop in the background, dancing with their microphones, looking fierce as fuck.

Yeah.

Part 1

Ever seen Sixteen Candles? If you answered "no" to this question, you need to get off this blog and go rent that shit. It's seriously one of the best movies ever made, in my humble opinion. Anyway, now that that's over...

As I was watching Sixteen Candles for the second time in 24 hours, I was stunned by Sam's actions in the movie. Not so much the fact that she acted like that, but by the fact that I acted that way too. Could I, in fact, be that gay? It's no secret to my friends that I prefer outdoor plumbing versus indoor, but I normally consider myself pretty macho acting. But I'm realizing that behind closed doors, I'm not all that butch all the time.

Take tonight's viewing of Sixteen Candle, for instance. About a third of the way through the movie, Sam is debating what she should say to Jake when she finally talks to him. The more I thought about it, I realized that I do that exact same thing. But I take it a step further by mimicking the other guys voice in a different timbre than mine... Yeah. Take that image in your head and save it. Might bring you some laughs later.

So what's the point here? Well, the point is that while I am a gay man that doesn't necessarily act like a gay man in public, the gloves are off, so to speak, when no one is around to see me. This blog will hopefully help me identify those moments not only for my future reference, but for your enjoyment. Call it masochistic, but the idea of people finding humor in my mannerisms isn't too frightening. Maybe I just want to blog. Who cares? If you've read this far, obviously you're intrigued. And if you keep reading from here on out, I've done my job. I just hope that this is all as funny to you as it is to me.

Deuces.