NSA

NSA. Know what that means? No Strings Attached. Accordingly, tonight's blog is actually based on the movie of the same name. Ironic? Eh, not really. I like to think I'm cool and witty but I'm really just plain old awesome.

This movie is an oddity to me. For those of you who haven't seen it, SPOILER ALERT. Emma is a doctor in training who says she has no time for a relationship. Adam is the beautiful Ashton Kutcher, a guy who is head over heels in love with Emma. They decide, to Adam's dismay, to have a purely physical relationship. This goes on for awhile until Adam starts to realize he can't do just physical. He tries to morph it into a relationship, but Emma blows him off. Eventually, Emma realizes that she loves Adam too and everything ends up hunky-dory. Blah, blah, frickety blah.

Basically, the entire movie is based on the theory that hook-ups don't hurt anyone, as long as both sides realize that it’s just a hook-up. Theoretically, this could work, if we didn't take human emotion into account. So why do so many people attempt this lifestyle? Particularly gay men? Do they do it because they want to avoid getting hurt? Do they do it because they want to experience life? Or do they do it just because they're horny?

I have a theory. Gay men, in general, are scared of what it means to be in a relationship. They're scared of the commitment, scared of having to worry about someone else, scared of rejection. Fear is what keeps most gay men from being in a relationship. So hook-ups abound, as they are the perfect solution to this problem. They require very little thought, everyone (hopefully) gets their rocks off, and there are no rules about who has to call whom in the morning. No commitment, no fear, no anything.

Hook-ups are not good for me. I'm not gonna go on here and brag about my sex life, but I've had my fair share of them. And I've realized that they are horrible for me. Sex requires emotion, passion, and commitment to me. I want to know that the person I'm with feels something other than the physical satisfaction of getting off. Does that make me gay? Maybe. One of my favorite lines from a Steely Dan song perfectly describes how I want to feel during sex. "Tell me I'm the only one." It's selfish, it's girly. But it’s what I want. I want to know that the guy lying next to me is focused on me and just me.

Enter Justin. See, I told you we were going to talk about him a lot. But I'm not here to bitch about him. I'm here to use him as an example. So Justin. I met Justin on a site for gay men, sort of akin to Match.com. However, the site was mostly for guys looking to hook up. I was fine with finding someone for sex, but I really just wanted to connect with someone. Ideally, I wanted a boyfriend. Justin and I met, and our relationship, as it were, went on from there.

I told him that I wanted to be with him, as his boyfriend, after the first time we hooked up. He avoided it and said he "didn't know how to be a boyfriend." He didn't know what to do and what it entailed. I accepted it. I accepted it the next 3 times as well. Then I realized that we were never going to be anything more than friends with benefits. There really were going to be no strings attached in this relationship. And I told myself I was okay with that. All of my other gay friends did it. They slept around and felt nothing. They woke up the next morning, satisfied and ready to find the next new hook-up.

Why couldn't I do it? I like to think that it's because I care about people on a more emotional level. I'm not saying that all gay men are emotionally deficient. I'm just saying that for me, its virtually impossible to have the physical without the emotional. I just can't do it. I thought with Justin that I could cut the emotional out and just live in the moment, but I can't. Does this make me straight? No. It makes me different from most gay men, but it makes me who I am. Maybe I'm going to spend half my life looking for a guy that wants both the physical and the emotional. But I'm okay with that.

No Strings Attached proves to me, personally, that a purely physical relationship is impossible. I need something more in my life, as did Emma, even though she thought she didn't. I guess I'm willing to suffer through the heartbreak and the lonely days until I find someone that wants the same things I do. But until that day comes, I'm gonna bitch and moan and complain. Those of you out there that suffer through it, thanks. I love you guys.

So yeah. It's 3 in the morning and I have to be up for class in 6 hours. Bed time, methinks.

Peace out.