Well hey there, all 6 of my loyal readers. How goes it? Sorry I haven’t posted in forever. It’s been a crazy busy few weeks and to be honest, I’ve been a little uninspired. But then I watched one of my favorite episodes of Will and Grace. It was like the heavens opened up and said, “Hank, take this gift, that you may write of your life and make merry.” Anyway, I found my inspiration.
Today’s entry focuses on being gay. Really, it covers being open about being gay, but overall it encompasses being gay too. In this episode, Will takes Jack, his extremely flamboyant best friend, to his new gym. Jack acts his like normal, attention grabbing, man chasing self. This frustrates Will because he has clients that go to this gym, and not all of them know he is gay. At one point we see Will talking to Grace about it, and he says that sometimes, Jack is such a fag. Of course, this being a TV show, Jack over hears and confronts Will about it.
Okay so first off, yes, I used the F word. Forgive me. I’m just repeating what someone on TV said. Don’t hurt me. But the more important part, this episode really hit home with me. Later on, Will talks to Grace about it and she confirms Jack’s observation that there are about “25 Will Truman’s”. That is, Will has many different masks that he wears when out and about. After thinking about it, I realized I’m the exact same way. No, I don’t deny my sexuality, but I don’t necessarily put it out there in certain situations.
Why? Maybe I’m scared. I don’t like rejection, so maybe I’m protecting myself from that. I think that in reality, I don’t want to be judged on the spot. If I tell someone I’m gay, they are automatically going to assume things about me, and now my relationship with that person, even if it’s just an acquaintance, changes forever. Scary, right?
I’m not ashamed of my sexuality. I am proud to be a gay man in this day and age. If I was given the choice to become straight, I would still choose to remain gay. That doesn’t mean that I’m not scared sometimes. I may not flaunt my sexuality, but I never hide it. I’m not that bad. I’m not like Will in the overall sense, but I can definitely see where he was coming from. And you would be surprised by the number of gay men that hate me for saying that. Call it cowardice, a defense mechanism, or just plain denial. No matter what you see it as, it’s a personal choice. I choose to live my life how I see fit. I may not wear my sexuality on my sleeve, but I will never, ever hide it or lie about it. That is not who I am. Take me or leave me. See, a Rent reference! I really am gay!
Now that that’s over, I want to address something: the F word that I used earlier. I do not condone, like, support, or accept the use of the word Fag, in any way shape or form. I think that it is a word filled with hate and this is designed solely to undermine the strength of the gay community. Remember our friend Justin we talked about earlier? Would you believe me if I told you he called me one? Maybe he called me one indirectly, but the meaning was still there.
We were on a walk one night. I clearly didn’t want Justin with me, but he wouldn’t take a hint so I let him follow me. My walks around campus are erratic at best. I walk where my head takes me and move where my feet direct me. I almost always wind up walking through North campus at some point. So, I decided to walk to North campus. Justin asked me where we were going. When I told him, he said, “Ew, North campus? That’s where all the fags go.” I was floored. Here he was, a bisexual man, using that hate filled word to describe me, the guy he was sleeping with? My confusion quickly turned to rage. I told him that if he ever called me that again that I would promptly punch him in the face. I continued walking towards North campus. Justin didn’t continue with me.
When I got back to my room, I confronted Justin. I told him that until he has been called a fag for kissing his boyfriend in public, and until he has been called a fag for supporting gay rights, and until he has been beaten up and called a fag for holding hands with a guy, he cannot use that word. Only once he has felt the fear associated with that word, can he rightfully use that word. He responded that if I punched him in the face, he would call the cops on me.
I could accept that, but what I couldn’t accept was the fact that the man I was sleeping with had just defended calling me a fag. Wait, correction. The boy I was sleeping with. Justin is not a man. He is a fucking boy. ANYway. I was pissed to say the least. He then proceeded to tell me that it was just a word and that I shouldn’t take it personally. Fuck that.
In short, I HATE the word fag. I do not tolerate it at all. Maybe the gay community is trying to take it back. I don’t think so. I think that us saying we’re taking it back basically means that we’re so scared of it, but we’re so desperate to fit in that we’ll use a hate word for our friends and family.
Just some thoughts. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am. It took 4 years for me to accept myself for who I am. Forgive me if I am a little quick to defend my personal choices and my views on what constitutes hate and fear.
But yeah. Have an awesome Monday and hopefully I’ll be posting again later this week.
Deuces.
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