I really should have written this post yesterday, but my internet was out, so I'm catching up now.
There are three things in my life that I am totally, completely and undeniably in love with: love, music and driving. ...Jesus, listen to me. "I love, love." I sound like Jack McFarland. Blech. Anyway. Those three things make up the majority of who I am these days. I mean technically the love part is debatable, but whatevs.
Driving is my ultimate escape. Give me a car and a full tank of gas, and I will show you the full spectrum of who I am, emotions and all. I rarely have a destination when I'm driving. Sure, I may know whether I'm going to drive Old Spanish or Gates Pass, but I don't necessarily have an endpoint for my excursion. It's hard to explain. Most people think of driving as a bore, as something that is unavoidable and ultimately grueling. I would rather drive cross-country than fly. I have had more spiritual, mental and emotional revelations driving the streets of Tucson at 4am than I have ever had in a classroom or a church or even in nature.
Of course, my driving expeditions wouldn't be complete without music. I'm not even going to get into what music I listen to because I would wind up with at least ten pages. But music means a lot to me. I connect with it. I can't play anything and I can't sing for shit. Regardless, music touches something in my soul that I can only describe as a feeling of pure joy. I can't even put it into words that will do it justice. Suffice it to say, I have no fewer than 5 songs going in my head at any given moment. Every song I like connects to my life, and every moment in life has a song attached to it. That a good enough description?
So last night, I decided it was time for a drive. I hadn't had any Hank time for about a week with everything that I've been doing. I hopped in my Jeep, cranked the tunes and took off. One of my favorite places to go in Tucson is a place I've come to call the Lookout. It has so many memories attached to it, both good and bad. Basically, my first boyfriend, Danny had dubbed it the Lookout because you can 'look out' over most of Tucson from it. So whenever I go there, no matter how beautiful it is, I am reminded of Danny.
I guess I should explain Danny. He was my first boyfriend. We met in high school and I spent the better part of a year following Danny's path of... we'll call it destruction. I was head over heels for Danny, but as I wasn't out yet, I kept him from everyone that didn't already know him. So all of my friends, all of my family, everyone. Over the time that we spent together, Danny confronted the fact that he was gay, ironically by allowing his friends to beat me up, physically and verbally, for being gay. We broke up multiple times, but I knew he was good deep down, so we got back together. Long story short, Danny moved to Cali, developed a drug problem, ruined his life and we haven't talked in about 3 months now. And I am completely fine with that.
Anyway, last night I decided to drive to the Lookout. En route, "Get It Right" from Glee came on. Gay moment. I am hopelessly and ridiculously in love with Glee. I don't care if that makes me gay, I love it. I know all the songs, can quote parts of it, and fan-girl over certain things. Guilty. I guess I love it so much because they put so many songs into real life situations and I connect with that. Take "Get It Right." 'Can I start again, with my faith shaken, cause I can't go back and undo this.' I feel like that line was written for my life.
So picture me, a 5'10, 240lbs white guy, speeding at 60 mph down a 40 mph road, in a white Jeep Cherokee. I'm jammin to Parkway Drive when Glee comes on. Do I change it because 'that music is so gay?' No. I turn it up even louder. I roll my windows down, let the rain soak my shirt and my seats. I let my tears flow freely and I belt it out right along with Lea Michele. Yes, I sing along to Glee in my care with the windows open. And no, I usually don't sing the guy parts. The girl parts have so much more emotion!
Like that picture I just painted for you? Well I sure do. And I won't deny it to anyone. I would rather be seen crying along to some girly song to get my pain out than get caught vandalizing a school any day. For one, there aren't any laws against singing poorly. But more importantly, singing my problems out allow me to feel the emotions and analyze them as I pass them by. I guess music, whether I'm singing to it or just letting it fill my ears, is therapeutic to me. When I'm surrounded by a song that I connect to, the world makes sense, even if its just for those 3 short minutes.
I guess my point here is that while some might accuse me of being gay for sobbing along to an Adele or Avril Lavigne song, I don't really give a fuck. It helps me. If you haven't caught on, or if you haven't met me, allow me to let you in on a little secret: I'm one fucked up kid. We won't even get into the why's, just take my word for it. I may be sensitive about a lot of things that I do that could classify me as gay, but music is not one of them. I'm here, I'm queer, I can't sing, and... deal with it? Yeah I can't rhyme. Hence why I have no musical talent.
In conclusion... yeah I'm writing a research paper here. Hadn't you noticed? In conclusion, I love music. I love music in my car, in my head, coming through my headphones, coming through speakers, wherever, whenever. I just love it. I feel music, whereas most people just hear it. If that makes me gay, so be it. You can take your judgements while I take my little piece of heaven. I'm cool with that.
"You're so cold, keep your hand in mine."
Miss you Popsicle.
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